The Terrors of Sibling Rivalry
Its great when the children get along, but if you have days when you feels more like referee try these tips from Essortment
- When you hear screeching voices and crashing items, you know it's time to get involved. Otherwise, you may want to bite your tongue and let your children begin to learn how to manage their own disputes. While you have to oversee most young children’s fights, you gradually can maintain some distance and perspective as children grow older.
- Keep your ears open. Even when you decide not to get involved, listen from a distance to find out how they are dealing with tensions.
- Mediate stalemates. When you discern that the kids are having trouble resolving disagreements, you may want to become a moderator, which is somewhat different from refereeing. A moderator allows all parties to take turns voicing concerns, and then asks questions or makes statements to help the group accept and consider the others' views.
- Divert young children. Toddlers or preschoolers who frequently tussle may not be able to discuss much of anything with each other or you, especially when tired or ill. But they can be separated from each other. Sometimes redirecting them to another activity, like a video, can solve the problem instantly.
- Teach older children to respect other views. Help them learn to be good listeners and be sure they understand what the other person wants to say before expressing their own opinions. Emphasize the value of compromise or a win-win approach so that everyone comes away from a dispute feeling respected if not gratified. Model a similar technique in your own conflicts at home or in public so that children can learn from your example.
How to Stop Sibling Rivalry
It's natural that rivalry develops, given the close proximity in which most siblings live. As children vie for attention, try to discover their place in the family, many feel their siblings receive preferential treatment. The results may end in jealousy, teasing, negative attention and competition. Here are a few things parents can do to curb or put a stop to sibling rivalry.
How to Help a Child Overcome Sibling Jealousy
By Hannah Rice Myers, eHow Editor
For any parent who has more than one child, one of your biggest challenges will most likely be sibling jealousy. It can be enough to make you go insane, with all the fighting and the tears that are shed. So how do you make it better? How do you make each child feel as though she is equally loved and just as special as her siblings? Here are some tips that can help you answer those questions.
The Joys and Complexities of Sibling Relationships
Relationships between brothers and sisters have often been called life's most influential and longest lasting relationships-lasting longer than ties to parents, spouses, or children (Bank & Kahn, 1997). Folk stories, biblical and classical literature, and numerous biographical and autobiographical accounts of childhood have focused on the role siblings play in children's development. Beginning in the 1980s, the influence of sibling relationships has received attention from developmental psychologists, researchers, and clinicians (Boer & Dunn, 1992). What factors influence the relationship between siblings? Why are some relationships marked by affection and closeness and others by conflict and hostility?
The Ups and Downs of Sibling Relationships
by Susan Ginsberg Ed.D.
How would you like your kids to feel toward one another? When a group of parents was asked this question recently, their answers were: loving, protective, respectful, sharing, caring, tolerant, understanding, and supportive.
But when they were asked how they themselves had felt as children toward their siblings, their answers were negative as well as positive: jealous, competitive, and resentful, but at the same time loving and admiring.
Unfulfilled Expectations
Why are we so anxious to have our kids get along? As children, many of us longed for a close sibling relationship, or if we were an only child we fantasized about having a brother or sister to play with.
Those of us with siblings were told by our parents that we should love each other and not fight. And most of us remember from our own childhood how hurtful a sibling's anger or negative remark could be and how it stayed with us for years.
The reality, of course, is that feelings of love/hate, cooperation/competition, and protectiveness/rejection are part of the normal interaction between siblings. As a parent, you shouldn’t feel that you are doing a bad job because you can’t trust your 3-year-old alone in a room with your new baby or your older kids seem to be endlessly squabbling. But it’s helpful to understand that sibling rivalry is not all negative and to learn some ways to handle it.
Competent Parent
by Jeff Forster
Used with permission. Read Jeff’s blog regularly at Competent Parent
The name of this blog is a political statement about fatherhood. Regardless of the progress toward gender equality that has occurred over the last several decades, one stereotype persists and may be getting worse: moms are good parents and dads are incompetent boobs who sometimes baby-sit. Poppycock, I say. Or an excuse for dads who would like to be viewed as numskulls so that they don't have to parent their kids. Dads are parents too, and I know some who are very good at it.
I'm neither a stay-at-home dad nor do I work full time. I work part time, and I'm the primary parent for the foreseeable future. The primary competent parent, I hope it is not presumptuous to say.
Wednesday, March 25: Differential Parental Awareness
We have a two-year-old who does not seem destined for a career in radio or public speaking. Perhaps his speech will clear up before he writes his first resume, but for now, he's hard to understand. The way he only honors consonants in the t and d family (eschewing the c and k consonants) and shortens words he considers too long (dessert becomes ert) makes for a language all his own. Occasionally, I'm at a total loss. But more often than not, I can understand him.
I can understand him because I go through the morning routine with him. Plus, I spend Wednesdays and Fridays with him. Not only do I hear his wacky words more than most anyone else; I also have context. When he tells, a story, chances are that I was there to see the dump truck or the balloon or the birdie.
It does not surprise me that I have to translate for Teddy with strangers or people who don't spend much time with him. But I also often have to translate for him to mommy, who is not enjoying the same privilege of time that I have with him. It's emblematic of a gap in awareness of what's going on with Teddy day to day. With our current family arrangement, I'm the one who knows what he had for lunch and how long he napped and whether he sat on the potty for 10 minutes with nothing to show for it (ok, he has "hurray! you sat on the potty! high five!" to show for it). Sometimes I think I should fill out a little sheet like the child care centers do: Teddy napped from 12:30-2:15. He had his diaper changed twice. He ate his whole (half) sandwich at lunch. This kind of knowledge, has, of course, been the provenance of moms in so many families. It's one of those things that I sometimes have to remind myself to treasure as a stay-at-home dad.
The Stay at Home Dad
Why some Christian couples are choosing to reverse roles and how it affects their marriage
by Suzanne Woods Fisher
Estimates today place the number of stay-at-home dads in the United States at nearly two million—a number that has quadrupled since 1986 and is now the fastest growing family type. The exact number is difficult to determine because many fathers who devote themselves full-time to the job of parenting also have part-time jobs, work from home, or are between jobs.
Based on survey results by researcher Bob Frank, these families share common characteristics: they see themselves as equal partners in parenting, and they put childcare first—above traditional roles. They choose this arrangement not out of necessity, but of practicality: the husband's personality may be a better fit for raising kids full-time or he can interrupt his career more easily or work out of the home. In most cases, the wife's career provides greater benefits and career potential than the husband’s.
Who Stays Home with the Children?
While some people feel that a woman can better take care of a child, there are real life examples that blow this theory right out of the water. Fathers can certainly be as nurturing as mothers. So, if you can put away traditional role models of women as caregivers and men as bread winners, you can make this decision in a logical way.
Six Smart Steps for Potential Stay-at-Home Dads
Becoming an at-home dad is as easy as telling your boss “I quit,” but it should be approached like any other life change — with a good deal of clear-headed consideration. There are six steps that all would-be at-home dads (and their wives) should take to fully understand their choice and prepare for the consequences.
7 Ways to Keep Kids Active This Summer
For most kids, there’s really nothing quite like the end of the school year. The biggest concern is figuring out what to do with all that free time. Though lazing around in front of the computer or television is a common free time activity, studies show that sedentary kids are likely to experience unhealthy summer weight gain. Getting your kids to exercise may be a challenge, but you can motivate them to get moving with these expert tips. Experts recommend 60 minutes of active exercise every day. Granted, getting your kids to do anything for a full hour can be a challenge. But experts say you can motivate them to get moving with the following tips.
The Parent’s Place: Books about Sibling Rivalry; Fathers
- Better Dads, Stronger Sons: How Fathers Can Guide Boys to Become Men of Character – Rick Johnson
Beyond Sibling Rivalry: How To Help Your Children Become Cooperative, Caring and Compassionate – Peter Goldenthal Ph.D.
Child-Wise – Cathy Rindner Tempelsman
Father Courage: What Happens When Men Put Family First – Suzanne Braun Levine
Gift of Fatherhood: How Men's Lives are Transformed by Their Children – Aaron Hass
Loving Each One Best – Nancy Samalin
Practical Parenting Tips for the First Five Years – Vicki Lansky
Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too – Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish
Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters: 10 Secrets Every Father Should Know – Meg Meeker M.D.
The Daddy Shift: How Stay-at-Home Dads, Breadwinning Moms, and Shared Parenting Are Transforming the American Family – Jeremy Adam Smith
The Father Connection: How You Can Make the Difference in Your Child's Self-Esteem and Sense of Purpose – Josh McDowell
The Father's Almanac: From Pregnancy to
Pre-school, Baby Care to Behavior, the
Complete and Indispensable Book of
Practical Advice and Ideas for Every Man
Discovering the Fun and Challenge of
Fatherhood – S. Adams Sullivan
The Preschool Years – Ellen Galinsky
The Children’s Corner: Books about Sibling Rivalry; Fathers
- A Season of Comebacks – Kathy Mackel
- Another Tree in the Yard – Lucia Sera & John Iorio
Bratty Brothers and Selfish Sisters – R. W. Alley
Don’t Wake the Baby – Jonathan Allen
Good Night, Princess Pruney Toes –Lisa McCourt
I’d Rather Have an Iguana – Heidi Stetson Mario
Jenny’s Adopted Brothers – Esther Averill
Lapsnatcher – Bruce Coville
My Dad the Magnificent –Kristy Parker
My Rotten Red-headed Older Brother – Patricia Polacco
Queen of the World – Thomas Yezerski
The Red, White, and Blue Good-bye – Sarah Wones Tomp
The Second Princess – Hiawyn Oram & Tony
Ross
What About Me? –Eileen Kennedy-Moore
Shared Reading List: Chapter Books to Read to Your Children
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