Write these commandments that I’ve given you today on your hearts. Get them inside of you and then get them inside your children. Talk about them wherever you are, sitting at home or walking in the street, talk about them from the time you get up in the morning to when you fall into bed at night.

DEUTERONOMY 6: 6-8

By Carla Lowe

Copyright © 1998 - 2009 - www.LifeScript.com-
All rights reserved. © 2003, National Association of School Psychologists, 4340 East West Highway, Suite 402, Bethesda, MD 20814, 301-657-0270, www.nasponline.org Used with permission.

Schools and communities around the country will be impacted by the loss of life associated with the war in Iraq. The effects may be significant for some people because of their emotional closeness to the war and/or their concern over terrorism. How school personnel handle the resulting distress can help shape the immediate and longer-term grieving process for students, staff, and families. Children, in particular, will need the love and support of their teachers and parents to cope with their loss and reach constructive grief resolution.

Expressions of Grief
Talking to children about death must be geared to their developmental level, respectful of their cultural norms, and sensitive to their capacity to understand the situation. Children will be aware of the reactions of significant adults as they interpret and react to information about death and tragedy. In fact, for primary grade children adult reactions will play an especially important role in shaping their perceptions of the situation. The range of reactions that children display in response to the death of significant others may include:

• - Emotional shock and at times an apparent lack of feelings, which serve to help the child detach from the pain of the moment;

• - Regressive (immature) behaviors, such as needing to be rocked or held, difficulty separating from parents or significant others, needing to sleep in parent’s bed or an apparent difficulty completing tasks well within the child’s ability level;

• - Explosive emotions and acting out behavior that reflect the child’s internal feelings of anger, terror, frustration and helplessness. Acting out may reflect insecurity and a way to seek control over a situation for which they have little or no control;

• - Asking the same questions over and over, not because they do not understand the facts, but rather because the information is so hard to believe or accept. Repeated questions can help listeners determine if the child is responding to misinformation or the real trauma of the event.

Helping Children Cope
The following tips will help teachers, parents, and other caregivers support children who have experienced the loss of parents, friends, or loved ones. Some of these recommendations come from Dr. Alan Wolfelt, Director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition in Fort Collins, Colorado.

• - Allow children to be the teachers about their grief experiences: Give children the opportunity to tell their story and be a good listener.

• - Don’t assume that every child in a certain age group understands death in the same way or with the same feelings: All children are different and their view of the world is unique and shaped by different experiences. (Developmental information is provided below.)

• - Grieving is a process, not an event: Parents and schools need to allow adequate time for each child to grieve in the manner that works for that child. Pressing children to resume “normal activities without the chance to deal with their emotional pain may prompt additional problems or negative reactions.

• - Don’t lie or tell half-truths to children about the tragic event: Children are often bright and sensitive. They will see through false information and wonder why you do not trust them with the truth. Lies do not help the child through the healing process or help develop effective coping strategies for life’s future tragedies or losses.

• - Help all children, regardless of age, to understand loss and death: Give the child information at the level that he/she can understand. Allow the child to guide adults as to the need for more information or clarification of the information presented. Loss and death are both part of the cycle of life that children need to understand.

• - Encourage children to ask questions about loss and death: Adults need to be less anxious about not knowing all the answers. Treat questions with respect and a willingness to help the child find his or her own answers.

• - Don’t assume that children always grieve in an orderly or predictable way: We all grieve in different ways and there is no one “correct way for people to move through the grieving process.

• - Let children know that you really want to understand what they are feeling or what they need: Sometimes children are upset but they cannot tell you what will be helpful. Giving them the time and encouragement to share their feelings with you may enable them to sort out their feelings.

• - Children will need long-lasting support: The more losses the child or adolescent suffers, the more difficult it will be to recover. This is especially true if they have lost a parent who was their major source of support. Try to develop multiple supports for children who suffer significant losses.

• - Keep in mind that grief work is hard: It is hard work for adults and hard for children as well.

• - Understand that grief work is complicated: Deaths that result from a terrorist act or war can bring forth many issues that are difficult, if not impossible, to comprehend. Grieving may also be complicated by a need for vengeance or justice and by the lack of resolution of the current situation: the conflict may continue and the nation may still feel at risk. The sudden or violent nature of the death or the fact that some individuals may be considered missing rather than dead can further complicate the grieving process.

• - Be aware of your own need to grieve: Focusing on the children in your care is important, but not at the expense of your emotional needs. Adults who have lost a loved one will be far more able to help children work through their grief if they get help themselves. For some families, it may be important to seek family grief counseling, as well as individual sources of support.

Developmental Phases in Understanding Death
It is important to recognize that all children are unique in their understanding of death and dying. This understanding depends on their developmental level, cognitive skills, personality characteristics, religious or spiritual beliefs, teachings by parents and significant others, input from the media, and previous experiences with death. Nonetheless, there are some general considerations that will be helpful in understanding how children and adolescents experience and deal with death.

• - Infants and Toddlers: The youngest children may perceive that adults are sad, but have no real understanding of the meaning or significance of death.

• - Preschoolers: Young children may deny death as a formal event and may see death as reversible. They may interpret death as a separation, not a permanent condition. Preschool and even early elementary children may link certain events and magical thinking with the causes of death. For instance, as a result of the World Trade Center disaster, some children may imagine that going into tall buildings may cause someone’s death.

• - Early Elementary School: Children at this age (approximately 5-9) start to comprehend the finality of death. They begin to understand that certain circumstances may result in death. They can see that, if large planes crash into buildings, people in the planes and buildings will be killed. In case of war images, young children may not be able to differentiate between what they see on television, and what might happen in their own neighborhood. However, they may over-generalize, particularly at ages 5-6—if jet planes don’t fly, then people don’t die. At this age, death is perceived as something that happens to others, not to oneself or one’s family.

• - Middle School: Children at this level have the cognitive understanding to comprehend death as a final event that results in the cessation of all bodily functions. They may not fully grasp the abstract concepts discussed by adults or on the TV news but are likely to be guided in their thinking by a concrete understanding of justice. They may experience a variety of feelings and emotions, and their expressions may include acting out or self-injurious behaviors as a means of coping with their anger, vengeance and despair.

• - High School: Most teens will fully grasp the meaning of death in circumstances such as an automobile accident, illness and even the World Trade Center or Pentagon disasters. They may seek out friends and family for comfort or they may withdraw to deal with their grief. Teens (as well as some younger children) with a history of depression, suicidal behavior and chemical dependency are at particular risk for prolonged and serious grief reactions and may need more careful attention from home and school during these difficult times.

Read more atwww.nasponline.org

by Joanna Bloss
Copyright © 1999 by the author or Christianity Today International/MomSense magazine.

Kayley and John, my husband began, your mom and I have something to tell you. We went to the doctor today to see if everything was okay with the baby He took a deep breath as four big blue eyes watched him closely.

Guys, he said gently, the baby died.

Just hours before, a doctor had told us the baby I'd been carrying for five months had died. All afternoon I worried about how we would tell our two older kids. My grief was intensified knowing how sad they would be, especially our 7-year-old daughter, who had prayed earnestly that I would conceive this baby.

It's okay to cry, Sweetie, I said to her, as the flood of tears began.

Grief. It's hard enough for grownups to deal with, but when our kids' hearts break, the load seems unbearable. Adults know that death, pain and loss are inevitable. But how do we explain that to our kids?

Although death is generally the most painful form of loss, we grieve hundreds of little losses throughout our lives. Families move, parents get divorced, a beloved pet dies, a big sister goes to college and a child grieves. These events may not be equally traumatic, but each loss is significant in the eyes of a child. Though we can't prevent loss, there are things we can do to help our kids bear the load and even grow stronger because of it.

Read more at: www.christianitytoday.com

By Shirley Carlson, heartfelt contributor

When a loved one dies, we all need to be able to express our feelings, especially children.

Last spring, my 99 year-old mother passed away. I knew that my six-year-old granddaughter, Cadie, would have difficulty coming to terms with this. She lived some 2,500 miles away from mother, better known as “The Great Gramawa. Everyone called her Gramawa because her last name was Waugh and my grandchildren added the “The because they thought anyone that old was truly special.

Cadie always loved to spend time with her when visiting a couple times a year. My mother always spent quality time with her brood of grandchildren, great- grandchildren, and even great-greats---46 in all! She loved to tell stories and share pictures of our family life together. She instilled in all of her offspring, even down to the very youngest, her love of family and the importance of being part of such a large and loving family.

Cadie is a very sensitive child and has often asked me questions when I have shared with her that someone close to me has died. I knew The Great Gramawa’s passing would make her very sad. Mother spent her last few days of life on earth in hospice care. Most of her family were able to say good-bye in person, but not Cadie. However, Cadie’s father came and brought letters and pictures from Cadie and her brother Tyler, and we made sure they got to talk to their Great Gramawa on the phone.

After mother’s death, my siblings and I were discussing the pink prayer shawl that had been given to her by friends from my sister’s church. I knew Cadie would love to have that shawl, not only because it had been with mother, but because it was also Cadie’s favorite color pink. I asked Cadie if she would like the shawl to help her feel closer to Great Gramawa. She was delighted. We talked about the remarkable shawl and the prayers that went into it.

However, we decided rather than sending it, Cadie would get it when she came for her next visit which was about a month away. There were several things I was setting aside to give to her family and thought it could wait. Mistake! Somehow in the weeks following mother’s death, while sorting through all kinds of things, the shawl got misplaced. Woe to me! Every time I talked with Cadie she would ask if I had found it yet. After several months, I finally found it and gave it to her. She has slept with it every night since and takes very good care of it.

My son, Cadie’s father, also came up with a very good idea. Their family had been with Great Gramawa and the whole family at Christmas. Craig had taken photographs on his digital camera; he and the children selected their favorites and put together a photo scrapbook to remember “Gramawa’s Last Christmas and gave them as gifts this past Christmas. I think making a scrapbook to help a child deal with loss is an excellent idea, whether the loss is a person, pet, or circumstance. Through such an activity, many feelings and memories can be shared. Plus the scrapbook becomes a treasure that one can refer to at any time.

We also set up a “free garage sale in mother’s house and let the whole family go through and pick out things they wanted to keep as remembrances. It was quite enlightening to see what some of the children chose. Cadie chose an old-fashioned pink hat for her dress-up collection. Tyler chose some of the toys he had played with in Great Gramawa’s “toy room.

I discovered through my own family’s experience the importance of finding meaningful ways to remember the lost loved one. We celebrate her life by talking about her and saying “Wouldn’t “The Great Gramawa have loved this!

Shirley Carlson lives in Port Clinton, OH.

by Dr. Susan Linn
© 2000-2010 Pearson Education, Inc. All rights reserved

Talking About Losing Friends
Even though she loves macaroni and cheese, your nine-year-old daughter is just pushing it around her plate. When you ask her if she's feeling okay, she suddenly bursts into tears. "It's not fair that Alison is moving," she sobs. "I'll never have another best friend."

Finding the Words
The end of the school year can bring big changes for children and families, and some of those changes involve loss. Friends might be moving away or changing schools. For some children, having a close school buddy assigned to a different classroom can be upsetting.

All of us will lose people we love at some point in our lives, through death or other less dramatic separations. Helping children successfully manage the separations that inevitably occur at the end of a school year is a good way to help them develop lifelong strategies for coping with loss.

Read more at: life.familyeducation.com

By Diane Schmidt, About.com Guide

I once lost my best friend to a move. She and her family relocated to another country, and after a year of letter-writing, we simply lost touch. I remember how difficult it was to adjust to her absence, even though I had other friends and a pretty solid social circle. So, if your child is experiencing this kind of loss, there are ways to help him or her get through this emotional change.

For Very Young Children: Ages 1 to 7

• Delay telling them about the move. Very young children will have a difficult time understanding the eventual loss of their friend so it is better to wait until just before the move to explain about the change. Giving them the news well in advance may only frustrate them and leave them anticipating the loss for too long.

• Stay positive. Make sure you let your child know that this is an exciting opportunity for their friend. Show them on a map where their friend is moving to or print off pictures of the new city or town. Keep your child focused on the excitement of this upcoming change.

• Buy a book that explains what happens during a move. There are some great children's books that will take a child through the emotional aspect of a move, including the usual fear of meeting new friends. Remember, just like a child who is moving to a new city or town, the child left behind will also be concerned about meeting new friends. Books are a great way to interact with your child in order to begin talking about the emotions they may be experiencing. Check out some of my book recommendations..

• Invite friends to a play date. Before the move, get your child involved in other activities where they meet new friends. Invite over a neighbor or sign up your child for community crafts. Meeting new friends before the move with ease the transition.

Read more at: moving.about.com

By Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend
Copyright © 2007 by the author or Christianity Today International/MomSense magazine.

Q: Our older dog is not expected to live much longer. And our son wants to know if animals go to heaven when they die. How can I help our preschooler transition through the loss of our beloved pet?

A: The reality of death is difficult to deal with for grownups and kids alike. Yet at some point, we must all come to terms with it. Though it's a sad time, you can help your preschooler with his pet's death and also prepare him to deal later on with human losses, such as the death of a grandparent and others in his life. In fact, the questions he asks about his pet are often about him at a deeper level: Will God take care of me when I die? This is a vital opportunity for you.

Preschoolers have an unformed and almost magical idea of death. They're not sure what dying is all about. They don't have a clear idea if it's like sleeping or if it's a trip to another dimension. They don't know if it's good, bad, permanent or temporary. Your basic task is to help your child see that the death of a pet is real. And yet it's a reality that's bearable because he has a mom who will help him understand and deal with it.

Here are some steps to follow:

• Death is a normal reality. Your preschooler needs to know that pets and people get old or sick and die; this is a normal part of life. Though we don't like death, it's not something that scares or panics Mom. It's the way things go. Your child needs to know he's with a safe parent who can handle this sort of reality. Then he'll feel prepared to deal with it.

• God loves pets (and people). Reassure your child of God's love and care for your pet. He knows what's best for him and for all of us. Read to him David's words from the Psalms: You care for people and animals alike, O Lord. Psalm 36:6 (NLT) God is involved and protective. And he's stronger than death. Personally, we believe there's a case for the Bible to teach that animals are in heaven! Check out your local Christian bookstore for authors who write about this.

Read more at: www.christianitytoday.com

Children’s books are primarily for entertainment and enjoyment. They can also be an important teaching tool for a parent and can lend themselves to good family discussions and the support of critical thinking. Occasionally, while reading to your child, look beyond just the pure enjoyment of the story to the possible lesson that could be learned. Questions that can be used for any story include:

• If you were in this story, who would you be?
• What is your favorite part of this story?
• If you could change the story, what would you change?
• What might a different ending be?
• What do you think we should remember from this story?

One caution: do not over-engage the child into always having to think of the meaning. Some stories are to be read just for the joy of reading. If you are using it for discussion, only ask a few questions---about as many as the child is old.

Books can be a valuable tool to help children share their feelings when they experience grief or loss, whether it is the loss of a loved one, a pet, or any experience that brings a sense of loss. Choose books that use simple, comforting language to help the child express his or her own feelings-- books that help them understand that sadness is a natural response to grief or loss. Children’s librarians can help you find such books. Here are three for you to consider:

What’s Heaven? by Maria Shriver tells the story of a six-year-old girl, Kate, who has just lost her great grandma. It lifts up real questions that children have and answers them simply and beautifully. The author helps children to understand the concept of soul by describing it as “all the things we loved best about our loved one.

Here are some suggestions for your discussion:

• Help your child to describe some of the best things they remember about their loved one.
• What did you like best about this story?
• After reading this story, how would you describe heaven?

My Liddle Buddy Jake by Christine Thomas is a tender story told in the voice of a young boy who loses his brother. The author uses wonderful descriptions of heaven, Spirit, Jesus, and death that children can understand. She describes spirit as “the life deep within our bodies where Jesus lives. It is like the wind; you can feel it on your face and skin; it can make bubbles when you blow into the bubble wand, but when you try to hold it in your hands, it is not there.

This book offers wonderful discussion opportunities:

• Can you think of other things you can feel but cannot see?
• What words can you think of to describe how sadness feels?
• Who would you like to see Jesus holding?

The death of a pet can be a child’s first experience with the loss of a loved one. In Fred Roger’s When a Pet Dies a child can be comforted by the simple and direct language of “Mr. Rogers as he guides children through their difficult loss.

• Who do you like to talk to when you are sad?
• What are some of the happy memories you have about your pet?
• Is there something special you would like to do to help you remember the special times you had with your pet?

• And What Comes After a Thousand? by Anette Bley
  
  
• Daddy's Promise by Cindy Klein Cohen
  
• 
  For Heaven’s Sake by Sandy Eisenberg Sasso


• Gentle Willow by Joyce Mills


• I Wish I Could Hold Your Hand: A Child’s Guide to Grief and Loss by Pat Palmer


• My Liddle Buddy Jake by Christine Thomas


• Sad Isn’t Bad: a Good Grief Guidebook for Kids Dealing with Loss by Michaelene Mundy


• Smoky Night by Eve Bunting


• Someday Heaven by Larry Libby. Intended for parents to share with children, this book contains questions and answers about heaven, such as: Where is heaven? Will my pets be in heaven? Will my grandpa still be old in heaven?
  
  
• Tear Soup by Pat Schweibert
  
  
• The Dragonfly Door: A Heartfelt Story about Loss and Change by John Adams
  
  
• The Memory String by Eve Bunting
  
  
• The Next Place by Warren Hanson
  
  
• The Purple Balloon by Chris Raschka
  
  
• Waterbugs and Dragonflies: Explaining Death to Young Children by Doris Stickney
  
  
• What’s Heaven? by Maria Shriver
  
  
• When a Pet Dies by Fred Rogers
  
  
• When Dinosaurs Die: A Guide to
  Understanding Death by Laurie Krasny Brown and Marc Brown
• 
  When Sophie Gets Angry—Really, Really, Angry by Molly Bang
  
• 
  When Your Pet Dies by Diane Pomerance
  
  

• About Dying: an Open Family Book for Parents and Children Together by  Sara Bonnett Stein


• Finding Your Way After Your Child Dies by Phyllis Von Wezeman and Ken Wezeman


• Heaven's Not a Crying Place by Joey O'Connor. Read this before and during a crisis situation. It includes helpful tips for talking to children about death and dealing with terminal illness.


• Helping Kids through Tough Times by Doris Sanford. This book contains reproducible discussion guides for adults who are helping children deal with a variety of difficult issues including grief, fear, moving, divorce and loneliness.


• Mommy, Please Don't Cry by Linda DeYmaz. This is a picture book written for mothers who have lost a child. Since it's written from a child's perspective, it's also meaningful to share with children who are grieving the death of a sibling or friend.


• The Grieving Child: A Parent’s Guide by Helen Fitzgerald


• The Grieving Garden: Living With the Death of a Child by Suzanne Redfern


• When Children Grieve by John James and Russell Friedman