Write these commandments that I’ve given you today on your hearts. Get them inside of you and then get them inside your children. Talk about them wherever you are, sitting at home or walking in the street, talk about them from the time you get up in the morning to when you fall into bed at night.
DEUTERONOMY 6: 6-8

By Derek Randel and Gail Randel M.D.

Imagine a child who lacks ownership of his own life, has no self-control, and lacks respect for others. If these were the qualities of your son, how would you feel for his future wives? Yes, wives is plural, this is one major reason we need to set boundaries for our children – their future. One study showed that children born recently on average will have more spouses than kids.

Here are a few examples of children who lack boundaries:

1. Little Johnny walks right into his parent’s bedroom whenever he wants. It does not matter if the door is open or closed.
   
2. Twelve year-old Steve frequently changes the channel on the television. It does not matter if anyone was watching a show or not.
   
3. Susie blames others for her mistakes. It always seems to be her teacher’s fault, brother’s fault, or a friend’s fault when something does not go right.
   
4. Marie is uncomfortable with how her boyfriend treats her and pressures her for sex. She keeps dating him because she questions who else would want to date her.

Without boundaries children will have problems in relationships, school, and life. Many times addictive behavior can be traced to lack of boundaries. Here are a few results that can occur:

1. Children can have controlling behavior.
2. Children can be motivated by guilt or anger.
3. Without firm boundaries children are more likely to follow their peer group. For example, making unwise choices on sex, drinking, or driving.
4. Children do not own their own behavior or consequences, which can lead to a life of turmoil.
5. Children may allow others to think for them.
6. They may allow someone else to define what his or her abilities will be. This denies their maximum potential.
7. When someone has weak boundaries they pick up other’s feelings.
8. Weak boundaries may make it hard to tell where we end and another person begins. What is a parent to do? Many times we hinder our children from developing boundaries. Realize we must teach our children boundaries; they are not born with them.

read more at fatherhood.about.com

 

Learning to establish boundaries is a critical part of human development. Children need to understand both about physical and emotional boundaries. Parents should model good boundary setting, and discuss with children that setting boundaries teaches other people how to treat them. Discuss with children that they have a right to be treated the way they want to be treated. Setting boundaries teaches children how to protect themselves both physically and emotionally. Parents can explain what appropriate physical boundaries are to children and how to establish their own personal space and to respect the personal space of others.

A child’s sense of physical boundaries is very different than that of an adult. Observe a well-loved teacher reading to a circle of little children; if the teacher doesn’t establish boundaries some of the children will literally be sitting on her by the end of the story. Help children to read the cues that people give them and listen to their own inner voice that tells them when they feel uncomfortable with the proximity of another person. Parents should be gentle; the goal is not to scare children away from other people. Instead, the goal is to teach what is socially acceptable in order for children to relate well and comfortably to other children and adults.

read more at thebabyswebsite

No matter what age your kids are, the boundaries you set for them are bound to be tested.
Despite their protests to the contrary, we don't set boundaries because we're ogres and want to prevent our kids from having fun. We're simply trying to protect them. That's what loving parents do.

Here are three things to keep in mind when setting boundaries for your kids:

1. Create the boundaries.
2. Lay out the consequences. And then, if and when they do cross those boundaries, you won't be left stressing about it. You'll know exactly what to do.
3. Boundaries are meant to expand.

God loves us and lays out plenty of guidelines and restrictions in His Word. Staying within the boundaries God has set for us sets a wonderful example to our kids. Additionally, consistently setting boundaries and sticking to them will ensure that our children will someday realize that we're not trying to keep something from them but are actually giving something to them. We're offering them the love and security they'll need when they're finally able to spread their wings and fly into the world on their own.

read more at ezinearticles.com

1. Set limits and consequences together. Rules are set best when parents and children set them together. Being a part of the rule-setting process helps them understand the rules and consequences better.

2. Show your love by consistent application. Being a "marshmallow dad" that gives into his children regularly rather than enforcing the rules may seem fun and loving, but it is not showing true love and concern for them. Having them obey rules and face the consequences when they are broken is real love.

3. Make the consequences stick. When the rule is violated, remind the child of the consequence and make it happen. No matter what. Consistent application gives the child a feeling of security in knowing that your word is real and that you expect hers to be the same.

4. Remember that firmness is not cruelty. Being firm creates a strong foundation in your relationship with your child. You can be firm but kind. And you should be fair. That is why a clear setting of expectations and consequences is important in this process.

read more at fatherhood.about.com

Excerpted and adapted from The Parent’s Little Book of Lists: Do’s & Don’ts of Effective Parenting by Jane Bluestein, Ph.D., © 1997, Health Communications, Inc., Deerfield Beach, FL.

• Clarity

Boundaries are clear, specific and clearly communicated. They work best when you have your children’s attention, when they understand what you’re requesting, when the positive outcome of their cooperation is clear and when specific requirements, conditions or time factors are spelled out. For example, “I’ll read you the next chapter in your story as long as you’re in your pajamas with your teeth brushed by the time the big hand is on the six.”

• Win-win

Boundaries respect and consider the needs of everyone involved. They attempt to create ways for both you and your children to get what you want. For example, “I’ll be happy to drive you to the mall as soon as you finish your chores” or “I want to hear about your day. I’ll be free to give you my full attention in 15 minutes.”

• Proactivity

Boundaries work to prevent problems and are typically expressed before a problem occurs or before it is allowed to continue (or get worse). For example, “You can play my stereo as soon as you demonstrate how to use it correctly (or replace the CD you damaged).” “When we go to the store, you can select one kind of dessert (or cereal).”

read more at ww.janebluestein.com

For young children, boundaries keep them safe—don’t cross the street alone, don’t talk to strangers, etc. For older children, boundaries make them pleasant people to live with, work with, and play with. Without boundaries, children will have problems getting along with others their entire life.

Boundaries will be most successful if you and your children work together to set them, especially older children and adolescents. By encouraging and expecting older children to think of logical reasons as to why their boundaries should be stretched and to talk to you calmly and reasonably, you are teaching them valuable negotiation skills.
You also want to make sure the boundaries you set are clear and easy to understand. Don’t make too many rules or they will be hard to enforce. A few simple boundaries such as these cover a lot of territory: 

1.  We stay safe and healthy—no hurting ourselves or other people.
2.  We look after our things—no destroying property or leaving messes.
3.  We speak nicely to each other—no yelling, taunting, name-calling, or put-downs.
4.  We respect and honor each other—no bad manners or poor sportsmanship.

read more at www.more4kids.info

When it comes to setting limits, most of us are not as skillful as we could be. We talk too much, get too emotional or fail to express ourselves clearly and with authority. When we need to tell our children that they must do something and do it now (e.g., stop hitting, pick up toys, go to bed), we'll get better compliance by using the following ten limit-setting strategies.

1. BE SPECIFIC How often have you heard yourself or other parents give vague limits such as "Behave yourself," "Be good" or "Don't make a mess!" Such general guidelines mean different things to different people. Our children will understand us much better if we make our directives concrete in terms of the behavior we expect. A specific limit tells a child exactly what must be done: "Talk in a whisper in the library"; "Feed the dog now"; "Hold my hand as we cross the street." This one strategy can substantially increase the rate of compliance from your child.

2. OFFER CHOICES In many cases, you can give your child a limited choice in deciding how to fulfill your directive. Having some freedom of choice makes a child feel a sense of power and control, which reduces resistance. Examples are: "It's bath time. Do you want to take a shower or a tub bath?"; "It's time to get dressed. Do you want to pick an outfit, or do you want me to do it?"; or "Would you rather practice the piano ten minutes in the morning and ten minutes in the evening or 20 minutes all at once?" Since it's easier and quicker to tell a child exactly what to do, parents don't offer enough choices. But we can change.

read more at familyfun.go.com

Boundaries in families seem complex and ever-changing. But if you observe yourself and your children, you can usually get a sense of whether your boundaries tend to be too loose or too rigid; whether they shift between the two extremes or stay within the healthy balance of firm boundaries that allow age-appropriate communication and power to flow between parents and children. Here are some tips for maintaining healthy boundaries in your family:

1. Don't share adult gossip with your kids. The problems of your friends and relatives, adult dating issues, and other types of conversations you would have with adults should stay in adult circles.
2. Enjoy shared activities with you child but don't be such a buddy that you lose your authority as the parent.
3. Allow your child to share opinions and input on family activities in an atmosphere of shared family goals. At the same time, maintain you parental right to make the final decisions.
4. Give your child age-appropriate opportunities to make choices and to build his decision-making skills gradually through childhood.
5. Maintain a strong bond between the adults in the family and never draw children into parental arguments and resentments.
6. Don't be afraid to assert yourself when you child needs instruction or discipline. Learn and practice strategies to prevent child misbehavior from spiraling out of control.
7. Avoid overly harsh or arbitrary rules and discipline practices. Use discipline with dignity that is consistent, fair, and when appropriate, flexible.

read more at childparenting.about.com

by Victoria Carrington, M.D.

Temper tantrums. Almost every child will have them. Nearly every parent will hate them. Standing at the crossroads of humiliation and hopelessness, the poor parent of a child in the middle of a tantrum needs to be armed with accurate information. Unfortunately, much misinformation exists about the toddler temper tantrum. I have worked with many parents of young children and most generally believe at least one myth about temper tantrums.

Here are 5 myths, explained:

1. The child having the tantrum is “manipulative” and “attention-seeking” much like an insensitive adult. It is not helpful to frame the child’s behavior in such a negative light. Toddlers are in fact not miniature adults and they are incapable of the kind of deceptive thoughts required to purposefully try to use their behavior to accomplish unsavory ends. However, temper tantrums are used for certain purposes in at the toddler stage of development. Young pre-verbal or early-verbal children will have difficulty expressing their needs so they will act out loudly to get the parents to meet their needs. Just as an infant cries to be fed or changed, toddlers cry and tantrum for other needs to be met by parents. Toddlers may tantrum because they are in need of being picked up, hugged, kissed or talked to by the parent.

Yes, toddlers do sometimes “just” need attention and the need for attention is present throughout all developmental stages in children. Desiring attention! should not be viewed as a misbehavior deserving of punishment but rather a healthy expression of a need to be met. Although a surprise to some parents, babies and toddlers need attention as much as they need food, water and diaper changes. Years of studies at orphanages in which children’s basic needs were met but the children received minimal attention were found to lag behind their non-orphanage peers in development. It is most helpful to view the tantrum as a temporary phase in development and an attempt at toddler communication.

read more at www.christian-parent.com

By Jeff Forster
Used with permission. Read Jeff’s blog regularly at competentparent.blogspot.com“Allow and Resent”

No, not Allen Drury's Pulitzer Prize-winning novel, Advise and Consent. Although I really enjoyed the novel and would recommend it, I'm talking about a parenting mistake pattern I found myself slipping into recently.

I call it "allow and resent". That is, my two-year-old asks to do something or not do something, and I really want the opposite thing to happen. It's not an out-and-out rules situation, so I allow his request. Then, usually within minutes (or seconds), I regret that I've just bent my will to that of a two-year-old. This leads to resentment. That leads to clenched teeth and moaning.

"Yes, I let you stay in your high chair because you said you were still eating that sandwich, but now it's really, really time for your nap."

"Gaaa, I knew I shouldn't have let you eat that Hershey kiss while wearing your nice soccer jersey without a bib! Now, it's everywhere."

Well, once detected, I started nipping the behavior in the bud. Mine, that is. If what he's doing doesn't line up with our rules or schedule, it's my job as the parent to make my answer and stand firm. The upshot? His protests are weak and short-lived. There is not much to fear in his tantrums. Life might be different if I had one of those scream and flail till it looks like a seizure kids. But actually, I don't think that. I think my Teddy is testing my limits and when he finds that I actually have and enforce limits, he's relieved. It means he doesn't have to be in charge.

In fact, he has a complimentary pattern to mine: resist, then comply. The boy will cry all the way into the bathroom and then stand in front of the potty and drop trou and sit down.

Lord, grant me the courage to stick to my guns.

If you are looking for a rainy day activity for your child to enjoy indoors while saving your home and sanity, check these out!

Rainy Day Activity #1: Create a Fun Puppet Show!
Gather up all your entertaining puppets, create a make-shift theater, and let your imaginations run while as you put on fun little plays with your kids! Don’t have any puppets? Pull out some paper lunch bags, get out the crayons, yarn, and whatever else you can find around the home to create your entertaining fellows! Even simple socks will work. Kids love this activity as it not only challenges their creative juices but also provides great quality time as a family. You can even work in great little lessons you would like your children to learn into the plot of your play. This is a really fun rainy day activity!

Rainy Day Activity #2: Create a Rainy Day Box
My mother did this for me when I was a child and I just loved it. There was some allure attached to the rainy day box, knowing the activities kept within were “special” for rainy days. This will require some planning and forethought but is a great way to entertain your kids when they’re stuck inside. Fill up a box with toys and activities and tuck it away ONLY for rainy days. Just the exclusiveness alone gets children happy and excited!

read more at www.tutorfi.com

Sooner or later, kids get bored with a backyard game of hide-and-seek, and then it's mom and dad to the rescue! With just a few minutes of planning, you can keep the kids active - and entertained - in fun, out-of-the-ordinary ways all summer long! Try these ideas to get the whole family moving:

Go for a hike. Find a trail through the woods and keep your eyes peeled for natural finds. "Take the time to look at birds' nests, ant hills and even moss on trees," says Dave Thoensen, who runs Tamark Day Camp in Lincolnshire, Illinois. "Kids really get a kick out of nature." Other interesting things to spot: woodpecker holes in trees, animal droppings or deer, squirrel and fox tracks. For more tips and ideas, read Get active: Hike.

Get buggy. Look for interesting insects in your own backyard or at the local park. "You can pick up a bug box from a hardware store," says Thoesen. "They're cheap, the holes let bugs breathe, and they have a magnifying glass on one end." Get the kids to set out the boxes to contain different bugs and then get a close-up view of their eight-legged friends. Plus, get more tips on searching for bugs with these tips.

read more at family-fun.kaboose.com

Have a New Kid by Friday: How to Change Your Child's Attitude, Behavior & Character in 5 Days by Dr. Kevin Leman

• 
  How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Listen by Adele Faber
• Love, Limits, & Lessons: A Parent's Guide To Raising Cooperative Kids by Bill Corbett
• Making Children Mind without Losing Yours by Dr. Kevin Leman
  
• Parenting With Love and Logic by Foster Cline, M.D. & Jim Fay
• Parents In Charge: Setting Healthy, Loving Boundaries for You and Your Child by Ph.D., Dana Chidekel
• Setting Limits with Your Strong-Willed Child : Eliminating Conflict by Establishing Clear, Firm, and Respectful Boundaries by Robert J. MacKenzie Ed.D.
• Taming the Spirited Child: Strategies for Parenting Challenging Children Without Breaking Their Spirits by Michael H. Popkin
• The One-Minute Temper Tantrum Solution: Strategies for Responding to Children's Challenging Behaviors by Ronald Mah
  

By Shirley Carlson

Children’s books are primarily for entertainment and enjoyment.  They can also be an important teaching tool for a parent and can lend themselves to good family discussions and the support of critical thinking.  Occasionally, while reading to your child, look beyond just the pure enjoyment of the story to the possible lesson that could be learned.  Questions that can be used for any story include:

• If you were in this story, who would you be?
• What is your favorite part of this story?
• If you could change the story, what would you change?
• What might a different ending be?
• What do you think we should remember from this story?

One caution: do not over-engage the child into always having to think of the meaning.  Some stories are to be read just for the joy of reading.  If you are using it for discussion, only ask a few questions---about as many as the child is old.

Our Heartfelt July issue is dealing with helping parents to set boundaries for themselves and helping children to see the importance of boundaries that parents set for them.  We’ve taken a few books from the reading list and offer to you some questions to use when reading these books to your child.

The Wild Baby by Jack Prelutsky is a story that lends itself to discussion about rules for better behavior. 

1. What kind of trouble does baby Ben get into?
2. Do you think that the Mommy helped Ben learn how to be safe?  In what other ways do you think the Mommy might help Ben more?
3. How do you think the Mommy showed Ben she loves him?
4. How do we help keep the children in our family safe?

Where the Wild Things Are by Maurice Sendak is an award-winning book that balances imaginative thinking with a sense of limits.  Max has been sent to bed without supper and his imagination takes over while left in his room.  He sees himself in a magical world of wild things where he is the king.  He eventually comes to realize that having everything just the way you want it is not all that great.  This book lends itself well to a discussion of values and behavior.

1. Can you think of a time when you felt like Max? 
2. If you were Max, what kind of world would you imagine for yourself?
3. Do you think that Max’s punishment was fair? What would you do if you were Max’s parents?
4. What rules do you think we should have at our house?

The Seven Silly Eaters by Mary Ann Hoberman is a delightful look at a family when boundaries get way out of whack.  The mother over-indulges her children by catering to all their particular finicky tastes when it comes to food.  As a result, poor Mrs. Peters is worn out.  The children come up with a way to make everything work out right in the end.

1. Are you a silly eater?
2. What foods don’t you like?
3. Which child might you be in this story?
4. What do you think Mrs. Peters should do?
5. How would you change this story?

Let’s Talk About Accepting ‘NO’ by Joy Berry is an engaging story about a young boy who always seems to ask for something at the wrong time.  There are some good suggestions about picking the right time to ask for something.  It also helps children understand feelings about “no”.

1. If you were in this story, who would you be?
2. How do you feel when your Mommy or Daddy says “no”?
3. Why do you think parents say “no”?
4. Can you think of some questions your Mommy or Daddy might answer “yes” to?

A note to parents:  It’s important to answer questions with a “yes” whenever possible by perhaps rephrasing the question. For example, “Yes, as soon as you have finished your homework.”  OR  “Yes, you can ride your bike around the block if I go with you.”           

Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day by Judith Viorst

• Bunny My Honey by Anita Jeram
• Elbert’s Bad Word by Audrey Wood
• Harriet, You'll Drive Me Wild! by Mem Fox and Marla Frazee
• I Can Be Safe by Pat Thomas
• It’s Time to Call 911 by Smart Kids Publishing
• Let’s Talk About Accepting ‘No’ by Joy Berry
• Mean Soup by Betsy Everitt
• Personal Space Camp by Julia Cook
• Runaway Bunny by Margaret Wise Brown
• Share and Take Turns by Cheri J. Meiners M.Ed.
• Sheila Rae, The Brave by Kevin Henkes
• The Grouchy Ladybug by Eric Carle
• Sometimes I'm Bombaloo by Rachel Vail
• Stromple and the Super-Huge Temper Tantrum by Stacey Geist and James Balkovek
• The Gunniwolf by Wilhelmina Harper
• The Safety Book for Active Kids by Linda Schwartz
• The Wild Baby by Jack Prelustsky
• Where the Wild Things Are by Maurice Sendak