Write these commandments that I've given you today on your hearts. Get them inside of you and then get them inside your children. Talk about them wherever you are, sitting at home or walking in the street, talk about them from the time you get up in the morning to when you fall into bed at night.

DEUTERONOMY 6: 6-8

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Elderly parents aren’t as likely as they were in former generations to go through the aging process while living with younger members of the family. When children haven’t seen their older relatives for a while, the changes may be confusing and frustrating to them. Talk to your children about the affects the stroke has had on your father and the things he’s having trouble doing for himself now. Encourage them to think of ways they can contribute to making things more comfortable for their grandfather.

Talk to your children about the how aging changes our bodies and affects what we are able to do. As your son has found, hearing and understanding can be especially difficult for the elderly. If hearing is difficult for your father, let your children know they need to speak a little more slowly, and a little more loudly and be sure to face Grandpa when they talk. Let them know if he can hear better in one ear than the other.

He may not be as mobile as he was and will enjoy sitting and reading, talking or watching what’s going on around them – pastimes that don’t particularly appeal to youngsters. Children may not know what to talk about with elderly adults and they often can’t play with them as they can with their friends or parents. Sometimes kids need a little help. Encourage your children to talk to Grandpa about their friends, activities and interests.

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By S. F. Heron Copyright © 2002-2012 Helium, Inc. All rights reserved.

Explaining aging and death to children takes every bit of compassion a parent can muster.

We have taught our children to recognize the adults in their lives as a constant source of comfort. Parents and grandparents provide guiding hands every day. When a beloved grandparent begins to noticeably age or becomes sick, many children are left bewildered by the difference. It's mom and dad's job to help children understand these sometimes painfully sad changes.

No one has a crystal ball to predict the future. If we did, no parent would be broadsided by questions that arise when their own parents become older. Preparing children long before their grandparents become sick is the optimum way to handle the situation. Of course, that's not always an option. Whether explaining ahead of time or in a crisis, both require the same care of a child's tender feelings.

Excluding a crisis, choosing the time for this discussion is important. Dropping this bomb isn't a bedtime or after-school topic. Try to choose a time when your child is relaxed and not distracted by television, games, or a play-date with friends. Start by talking about your child's friend who has a sick grandparent or who lost her grandmother or grandfather. You can also discuss the loss of your own grandparents. Relate your own childhood memories and your own feelings as your grandparents aged. Remind your child that aging and its associated illnesses are part of life and nothing to fear.

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© 2012 Pregnancy-Info.net. All rights reserved.

Many families use their weekends to pay Sunday visits to aging grandparents. But parents of teens may have to struggle with their kids to convince them of the value of grandparent face time. Teens have all sorts of preconceptions about the elderly. James Ellor, director of the Center for Gerontological Studies at Baylor University says, "Teens can have some stereotypes of older folks—that they're cognitively slower, that they're stuck in the past, and that they're out-of-touch with today's world."

Why Bother?
Today's teen feels as though he doesn't share any common interest with his grandparents. Speaking to an audience of teens, Ellor stated, "You may assume that the older generation couldn't possibly understand the pressures and challenges youth face today and think, 'Why bother to even try to talk to them?' At the same time, your grandparents may be equally unsure of what to say to you, especially if they do fit the stereotype of the senior citizen who shuns technology and isn't up on today's music and entertainment."

Of course, there may be other reasons why teens have trouble getting close to their grandparents. Sometimes grandparents have difficulty with their memories, causing them to repeat themselves and this can make teens feel frustrated and uncomfortable. It's easy to see why the fast-paced life of a teen is hard to reconcile with a grandparent whose cognition, memory, and physical abilities seem to be winding down.

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by Kori Rodley Irons
©2012 Families.com, LLC

Aging is a fact of life, but, that doesn't make it any less challenging. Sure, it is one of those main, major realities that we have to learn to face and deal with--but while we are wrestling with our own aging issues, as parents, we also have to help our children learn how to cope with aging. Watching as grandparents get older, and perhaps get ill and die can be one of the most traumatic pieces of childhood.

Children who are able to have close, affectionate relationships with grandparents have enriched lives. But, the closer they are, the more painful the process of aging can be. It doesn't have to be horrible, however, and it can really be a blessing and a great opportunity for children to learn about aging, and learn how to face and process aging as grandparents grow older.

Read more at parenting.families.com

By Paula Spencer Scott, Caring.com senior editor
© Copyright 2008-2011 Caring, Inc. All Rights Reserved.

Quick summary
If you have a parent, other family member, or close friend who has Alzheimer's disease or some other form of dementia, it affects not only you; it has an impact on your children, too. The time Grandma blanked on your son's name? Those overheard long, worried phone conversations with your family about your aunt?

Kids notice more than we give them credit for. They may not understand exactly what's wrong, or they might mishear "Alzheimer's" as "old timer's" disease, but they deserve being included in the situation in an age-appropriate way.

The following suggestions for filling in your kids come from Joyce Simard, a geriatric consultant in Land O' Lakes, Florida, who self-published a children's book called The Magic Tape Recorder: A Story About Growing Up and Growing Down. You can adapt these suggestions to the age of your children.

Explain Alzheimer's in ways your children can understand
Alzheimer's is a big word that may not mean much to kids, and "disease" can sound like something catching (which it isn't). So simplify: "Grandma has a memory problem." Or, "George has a disease that is sort of like if you had a tape recorder in your head, but the tape recorder is turned off. When he was younger, the tape recorder was on, so he remembers a lot of things from his past."

Put the disease in perspective for a younger child. Ask, "Are you really good at everything? Well, sometimes people aren't very good at memory." Explain that lots of people have problems when they get older -- sometimes you need glasses, sometimes it's a cane or a walker. Sometimes you can't remember. It doesn't mean you can't do anything anymore.

A teenager is ready for more details, for example that Grandma could wander away from the house and get lost. Be matter-of-fact: "This is a problem Grandma has, but don't be afraid of it."

Your child will let you know how much information he needs by the nature of his questions. Answer candidly. At the same time, don't volunteer more than is necessary, such as details about what late-stage Alzheimer's can be like if your parent has only just been diagnosed and shows mild to moderate signs of impairment.

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By Donald Kern, MFT Copyright 2006 California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists. All rights reserved.

"Grandma doesn't live here anymore." I listened as the mother told her eight year old son. "She's gone to live with a group of friends in a big hotel." The child stood there thoughtful.

This scene is reenacted every year with thousands of families across the country. The mother was caught in the dilemma of explaining to her child why his grandma, his beloved Nana, is not at home in her apartment, the place they've often visited. "Where is Grandma?" he asks. A sense of confusion is seen on his face. He is not alone.

The mother, also, is having to deal with an uncertainty new to her. Every year, more families find themselves in the dilemma of how to deal with aging parents, now becoming frail and in need of care. While finding their way through the ever increasing complexities of parenting young children in the fast paced 2000s, they are also faced with the decline of their parents.

Often they are caught unprepared for the task of arranging for the care of aging parents. Issues never dealt with before come back to haunt them. Perhaps they are dealing with parents with whom they may never have had a particularly close relationship. In contrast, perhaps they have difficulty in separating themselves from parents with whom they have had a close relationship, and who have now begun to show signs of early dementia. All these situations can tax the stability of a family.

That decline raises the issue of who is the parent and who is the child. This quandary is a role reversal.

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Children’s books are primarily for entertainment and enjoyment. They can also be an important teaching tool for a parent and can lend themselves to good family discussions and the support of critical thinking. Occasionally, while reading to your child, look beyond just the pure enjoyment of the story to the possible lesson that could be learned. Questions that can be used for any story include:

· If you were in this story, who would you be?
· What is your favorite part of this story?
· If you could change the story, what would you change?
· What might a different ending be?
· What do you think we should remember from this story?


One caution: do not over-engage the child into always having to think of the meaning. Some stories are to be read just for the joy of reading. If you are using it for discussion, only ask a few questions---about as many as the child is old.

Our subject for the month of January is the first of a new series called “Tough Talks with Children.” The first subject is about aging grandparents. Who doesn’t remember fun visits with grandparents? As kids grandparents were our biggest fans. When thinking of that extra candy bar grandma provided, the phrase “What happens at Grandma’s house STAYS at Grandma’s house” comes to mind!

Although those times are still very special, many children today are confronted with the issue of grandparents with memory loss. Hence the topic of this month’s column is empowering children to have successful and rewarding conversations with grandparents with cognitive loss.

Since there are over 100 different conditions that result in memory loss, it is helpful to define cognitive loss simply as memory loss usually of recent events. Armed with that knowledge and knowing grandma and grandpa as people are the keys to successful conversations.

The first five books featured this month are geared towards children in Pre-K through third grade. Unfortunately, there are not many books available for children and teens on this topic.

Wilfred Gordon McDonald Partridge by Mem Fox begins by assisting the child to explore the issue “What is a memory?” It typifies the loss of short term memory with common examples of the types of actions or reactions that a child might experience such as being called by a name other than their own. A Window in Time by Audrey O. Leighton demonstrates the confusion for the child when a grandparent shares long term memories as current memories. My Little Grandmother Often Forgets by Reeve Lindbergh provides positive, warm feelings from the perspective of a child interacting successfully with a grandparent with cognitive loss. Getting to Know Ruben Plotnick by Roz Rosenbluth is a delightful story about a caring boy who helps his friend David understand and come to terms with his grandma’s dementia. The National Institute on Aging recommends this book and describes it as telling the story of “what dementia looks like from a child’s perspective.” A child of any age can learn from Ruben Plotnick!

In addition to dealing with the “what” of cognitive loss is the more important “how” concerns. How to have a good conversation, how to maintain a pleasant atmosphere and how to refrain from inadvertently causing frustration and anxiety are addressed in Faraway Grandpa by Roberta Karim.

Discussion questions for any of the above books might include:
1. How would you define a memory?
2. What is one of your favorite memories with Grandma or Grandpa?
3. When we visit Grandma or Grandpa what might we do to make our time with them to be good for both them and us?
4. What worries you when you think about Grandma or Grandpa?
5. What do you think we should do when Grandma or Grandpa does something that seems silly or strange?


For the older child, there is a limited amount of books available to assist them with this challenging issue. Children age 8 through early teens might enjoy activities such as creating a scrapbook or a photo album with their grandparent, which is offered as very viable non-threatening interaction in Maria Shriver’s What’s Happening to Grandpa? There are also some excellent resources listed at the back of this book if you need further assistance with this topic.

Also, I Was Thinking by Diana Waugh is a dynamic workbook that directs older children, teens and adults to capture the stories and likes that are important to their loved one with dementia. Once captured, utilizing this information will enable them to have happy, calm conversations that make them feel that they have made a positive difference in the lives of their loved one. Work on it together with your child. Because this is a workbook, it is not available in most libraries. The best way to purchase it is to go to the author’s site at waughconsulting.info. The cost is $12.00.

Most of the books listed in our resource list are fictional stories or novels that include a family member with dementia. They help give understanding and perspective to help families come to terms with this difficult situation. Reading them with your child will lead to constructive discussions.

PRE-K to AGE 8 (Picture Books)

A Window of Time by Audrey O. Leighton
A Young Man’s Dance by Laurie Lazzaro Knowlton
Faraway Grandpa by Roberta Karim
Fireflies, Peach Pies, and Lullabies by Virginia Kroll
Great Uncle Alfred Forgets by Ben Shecter
My Grammy by Marsha Kibbey
My Little Grandmother Often Forgets by Reeve Lindbergh
Still My Grandma by Veronique Van der Abeele
Wilfred Gordon McDonald Partridge by Mem Fox

AGES 8 to 11

An Early Winter by Marion Dane Bauer
Figuring Out Frances by Gina Willner-Pardo
Singing with Momma Lou by Linda Jacobs Altman
Sunshine Home by Eve Bunting
The Memory Box by Mary Bahr
What’s Happening to Grandpa? by Maria Shriver

ANY AGE

Getting to Know Ruben Plotnick by Roz Rosenbluth

MIDDLE SCHOOL

I Was Thinking by Diana Waugh
It Only Looks Easy by Pamela Curtis Swallow
Night of Fear by Peg Kehret
Remembering the Red-shouldered Hawk by Doris Buchanan Smith
The Graduation of Jake Moon by Barbara Park

BOOKS FOR PARENTS

ADULT (Non-fiction)

Everything Guide to Caring for Aging Parents by Kathy Quan

Help for the Caring by Brenda Paris Sibley

I Was Thinking by Diana Waugh

ADULT (Novels)

Still Alice by Lisa Genova

The Notebook by Nicholas Sparks